Fear of rejection 2 ways to beat it, backed by research

Fear of rejection 2 ways to beat it, backed by researchFear of rejection 2 ways to beat it, backed by researchWe all deal with fear of rejection. Jia Jiang did too. But he overcame it thanks to a box of donuts.He explains how this happened in his wonderful book,Rejection Proof How I Beat Fear and Became Invincible Through 100 Days of Rejection.His dream welches to be an entrepreneur - and that means a lot of rejection. So how could hebeat the fear?Byturning it into agame. For 100 days he maderidiculous requests of strangers, expecting to get rejected.And get rejected he did. A lot. But he also got a number of unexpected yes responses as wellKnocking on a strangers door, ball in hand, he asked Can I play soccer in your backyard? The response? Come on in.He asked a policeman if he could drive his car. The answer? Do it.And when he asked workers at Krispy Kreme if theyd make him donuts shaped like the Olympic Rings, theydid. For free.Heres hisTEDx talk.Pretty cool story, huh? I know yo ure bedrngnis going to run around looking for rejection.But by studyingJias experimentand the science behind rejection, what can we learn to help us overcome our fears, cope with the inevitable NO responses and get what we want in life?A lot, actually. Lets get to it.(Please dont stop reading now. Ill feel rejected.)Yes, rejection is *very* powerfulSo lets say you tried tojoin the KKK.But they rejected you. Who cares, right? Theyre a group of ignorant racists.Actually, theresearchsays you mightstillfeel bad ostracism by despised outgroup members was no less aversive than ostracism by rival outgroup or ingroup members.Crazy, huh?Rejection is so powerful it temporarilymakes you stupidRejection can dramatically reduce a persons IQ and their ability to reason analytically, while increasing their aggression, according to new research.These are very big effects the biggest Ive got in 25 years of research, says Baumeister. This tells us a lot about human nature. People really seem designe d to get along with others, and when youre excluded, this has significant effects.How can rejection be so powerful that youfeel it even when youre rejectedby a group you dont even like?Studies show your brain doesnt distinguish between physical pain and emotional pain. To your mind,heartache and a heart attackarent all that differentIn a new study using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), researchers have found that the same brain networks that are activated when youre burned by hot coffee also light up when you think about a lover who has spurned you.In other words, the brain doesnt appear to firmly distinguish between physical pain and intense emotional pain.In fact, taking Tylenol canease social painjust like it does physical pain. To your brain, theyre the same.Theres a lot youcan do tomake people like you more.But youcan never fully escape rejection. And the more youtry to hide from it, the more youshrink your world, and the less chance youhave of achieving your dream s.(To learn how to get people to like you, clickhere.)Sohow should youapproach situations where youmight be rejected? What will make youmore likely to succeed and less likely to feel that terrible pain?Jia was on to something. And the answer is more fun than you think.Make it a gameMost of the platitudes people tell youabout dealing with rejection arent helpfulIgnore it. Whydo you care what they think, anyway?But feeling rejected is so emotional and fundamental, its very hard todismiss it rationally.Or they tell you to face your fears.Research shows that works. But, hey, thatsscary.So whatcan you do?What Jia did.He made it a game.Reframing things playfully with humor is no small thing. It kills stress.ViaNerve Poise Under Pressure, Serenity Under Stress, and the Brave New Science of Fear and CoolIn tense moments, explains the clinical psychologist Rod Martin joking actually reformats your perception of a stressor. Humor is about playing with ideas and concepts, said Martin, who tea ches at the University of Western Ontario. So whenever we see something as funny were looking at it from a different perspective. When people are trapped in a stressful situation and feeling overwhelmed, theyre stuck in one way of thinkingThis is terrible. Ive got to get out of here.But if you can take a humorous perspective, then by definition youre looking at it differently - youre breaking out of that rigid mind-set.When I spoke to aNavy SEAL, anArmy Rangerand aSpecial Forces instructor, theyallsaid that seeing things as a game was key to getting through their arduous training.Joe Simpsonshattered his leg while descending a mountain. He should have been a dead man. How did he keep going when anyone in their right mind would have just given up and died? He made it a game.ViaDeep Survival Who Lives, Who Dies, and WhySimpson was learning what it means to be playful in such circumstances A pattern of movements developed after my initial wobbly hops and I meticulously repeated the pa ttern. Each pattern made up one step across the slope and I began to feel detached from everything around me. I thought of nothing but the patterns. His struggle had become a dance, and the dance freed him from the terror of what he had to do.Reframing stress as a challenge is one of thethings Harvard researcher Shawn Achor saidleads to success.And instead of seeing rejection as a form of social death, Jia saw it as a game he was playing. And it became fun.When he heard no, he didnt feel like a loser. Eventually, he felt the way you might after losing at a video game shrug and try again.But what was so inspiring werethe times when peoplejoinedhis game. The workers at Krispy Kreme had fun playing,too.(For more tips from a Navy SEAL on how to deal with the toughest challenges, clickhere.)Okay, so youknow how to look at situations where rejection is a possibility. But how do youcope with rejection when it happens? It starts with TV and teddy bears Take comfort in friendsWhen you look a t lots of scientific research, you find some crazy stuff. And exploring rejection, well, thats what happened to me.What helps youdeal with rejection? Um thinking about your favorite TV showsStudy 3 demonstrated that thinking about favored (but not non-favored) television programs buffers against drops in self-esteem and mood and against increases in feelings of rejection commonly elicited by threats to close relationships.What else? Hugging ateddy bearOverall, the findings suggest that touching a teddy bear mitigates the negative effects of social exclusion to increase prosocial behavior.Crazy, right? But before you lose your faith in science, lets look at the broader pattern and see where it pointsBeing in a happy marriagereduces the pain of chronic illness.In fact, merephotosof loved ones actuallyreduce pain.The answer seemsto be relationships. Family, friends - even teddy bears - relievepain. And as we saw, the brain doesnt distinguish between the physical and emotional types. So rejection fits in here, too.I know what youre thinkingwhat does my favorite TV show have to do with relationships?TV is a social surrogate - your favorite TV shows give you the same feeling of belonging thatrelationships doThese results yield provocative preliminary evidence for the Social Surrogacy Hypothesis. Thinking about valued television programs appears to yield the experience of belongingness.Its hard to underestimate the importance of relationships. When you look at the research, what yes/no question can likely predict whether you will be alive and happy at age 80?Is there someone in your life whom you would feel comfortable phoning at four in the morning to tell your troubles to?University of Pennsylvania happiness expert Martin SeligmanexplainsIs there someone in your life whom you would feel comfortable phoning at four in the morning to tell your troubles to? If your answer is yes, you will likely live longer than someone whose answer is no. For George Vaillant, the Harvard psychiatrist who discovered this fact, the master strength is the capacity to be loved.Conversely, as the social neuroscientist John Cacioppo has argued, loneliness is such a disabling condition that it compels the belief that the pursuit of relationships is a rock-bottom fundamental to human well-being.And Jia had that too. He didnt start his rejection-conquering journey on his own. His incredibly supportive wife told him to quit his job and pursue his passion. (And she was pregnant with their first child when she suggestedit.)When youface rejection - or any pain for that matter - the answer is to turn to those whodoaccept youand love you. They are the closest thing to a cure.(For more on the science of how to make great friendships, clickhere.)Sowe know how to approach possible rejection and how to deal with it when it happens. Lets round this up and learn what steps to take next.Sum upJia and the research have two big insightsTreat situations where we might be rejected as a game.Its not life-or-death. Reframe stress as a challenge.The cure for rejection is those who love us.You need acceptance. When you dont get it, it hurts. So turn to where youknow youwill find it the people who already love you.By making rejection a game, you can try newthings without fear. You can strive without worry.And what youll find is what Jia found people are often more receptive than you think.Research showswe underestimate how much others are willing to help us.Studiesdemonstrate that the old saying is accurateyouregret most the things you did not do.With loved ones around us, rejection doesnt hurt for very long. Regret, on the other hand, can last a lifetime.So make it a game. How elsecan you end upa winner?Join over 320,000 readers.Get a free weekly update via emailhere.Thisarticlefirst appeared onBarkingUpTheWrongTree.